It

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologies.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Doctors at a hospital in Peterborough have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure.

When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." said the doctor

"Like this?" she asks.

"A little more..." said the doctor

"Like this?" she asks.

"No. A little more..." said the doctor

"Like this?" she asks.

"Yes that's about right. Does that hurt?" asked the doctor

"A little bit." she replied

"Now stretch it over your head!" said the doctor

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "BUGGER."

A Management Decision

A nursing assistant, Staff nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarf’s and wearing large polished stoned jewellery.

"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.

"I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.

The staff nurse went next. ”I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me chocolate and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

The charge nurse said," I want those two back on duty at the end of the lunch break."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

A Golfing Error

A man staggers into an accident & emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'”

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs £500".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs £1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs £2,000 . Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Beer scooter explained

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beerscooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates he second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.

The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles (automatically supplied with all models of scooter) cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger o the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!! For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A- Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring-barked shins.

The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater that allows you to get home from he bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-shirt.

How to bath a cat

Everyone knows Colin

Colin was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" Colin replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: "Who the hells that on the balcony with Colin?"

Disastrous News for Beer Drinkers

Yesterday scientists announced to the world the alarming results of a recent analysis that found the presence of female hormones in beer.

This comes as a cruel blow to all men. It is advised that if you are male between the ages of 18 and 85 you may need to seek medical assistance to assess your beer consumption.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examination table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt"!

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

Subject: US/Canadian Relations

This is based on an "actual radio conversation" between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

A man and his wife were on holiday in Pakistan. One day they were walking through the markets when a little shopkeeper came up to them and said: "Excuse me please sir may I please have you attention I have the most finest sandals in all of Pakistan in my shop please bring your lovely wife come ,come I will show you" The man consulted with his wife and they decided to follow the little
shopkeeper into his shop. Inside they found a large array of sandals just as the shopkeeper had promised.
"Please, Please sir try them on these are very special sandals known to give you extra sexual powers when you wear them" said the little shopkeeper. The man looked at his wife and she said "go on dear humor the little man" With that her husband slips on a pair of the sandals, all of a sudden a strange look overcomes him he gets a look in his eyes his wife hasn't seen for years, he grabs the little shopkeeper bends him over and proceeds to tear off his pants. The little shopkeeper, with a shrill in his voice, screams out" please mister stop you have them on the wrong feet!!!!!!!

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door
to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed,
she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Thanks to Joe

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER "Well, the air bag works."

An Royal Marine was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local shops were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Marine shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots made at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of British Para's who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Marine headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two Para's the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Marine saw a tremendously long 'gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Para's. Just as the ‘gator was about to attack, the Para grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Para's dragged it onto the shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Para's then exclaimed, "*!@#%, this one doesn't have any on boots either!"

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as if in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever....
Barmen
Thanks to Steve

Three anaesthetists are on a train going to a seminar with three orthopaedic
colleagues. The orthopaedic guys complain about the price of the train fare to which the anaesthetists reply that that they have only purchased one ticket for the journey. When the ticket inspector shouts out for tickets the anaesthetists all get up and head for the toilet. When the inspector knocks on the door and a single ticket appears from under the door he walks away satisfied.The same thing happens on the return journey. Two months later the same group are on a train going to yet another event. This time the orthopods are boasting that they have have only purchased one ticket for the journey. Not to be out done the gas men say that that they didn't even bother to buy one! When the ticket inspector appeared at the end of the carriage the orthopods headed for the toilet. Waiting 3 minutes the anaesthetists head for the same toilet, knock on the door and say "Tickets Please" and head for the next toilet with the resultant ticket from beneath the door!!!! (Never try and outwit a gas man)

Dave Corton ( Nottingham City Hospital)

A rich orthopaedic surgeon, a poor orthopaedic surgeon and Father Christmas are walking along the road together when they spot a £50 note on the floor. Who picks it up?

How do you hide money from an Plastic surgeon? You can't hide money from a Plastic surgeon.

A man walked into a pub and asked the barman if he could bring his cocker spaniel in to watch the soccer game, since it loved to watch Peterborough United play. Business was slow and the bartender liked dogs, so he agreed to let the dog sit on the bar near the TV set. Less than ten minutes into the first half, Peterborough nearly scored. The dog jumped around in circles and barked excitedly. Two goals down in the second half, a Peterborough shot at goal bounced off the crossbar. Once again, the dog went wild. "Christ, he really gets excited," said the barman after Peterborough finally went down three-nil. "What the hell does he do when Peterborough win?" "I don't know," the owner replied. "I've only had him three years."

Mrs Byrne has just started to play golf when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor and shouts "Is anyone here a doctor?." An elderly man stands up and says, "I’m a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I’ve been stung by a bee Doctor." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well my dear, I can tell you here and now that your stance is much too wide."

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests. "I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?" "Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face. "Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?" "Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it". "Well, I didn't", replies the first.